Scott's Life in Bangkwang Prison - Thailand

February 2008 Diary Extracts - Mum's Coming to See Me!

Saturday 16th February

It's only two more days to wait and I feel like a kid at Christmas.  Last week helped me a lot as I had great visitors.  Sarah from London, very out going and down to earth - I enjoyed her visit very much - Sarah nice one!  Also Victoria, she is friends with the son of my very good mate from Spalding, Steve A, and they had asked her if she would drop by whilst in Bangkok.  Victoria is a great looking girl and again great fun, I enjoyed the visit very much - nice one Steve & Matt - and a big thank you to Victoria.

This all helped the week before Mum's arrival go a little faster.  I have the football tonight and then it's only one more day to wait!

Sunday 17th February

It was the FA Cup - my beloved Liverpool turned me over big time!!  So I am just going to sit in my chair in the yard all day and wait for the morning ......

Monday 18th February

The morning 's here, everyone around me knows that today is the day that Mum arrives as I am singing and smiling an even bigger smile!

My name is called for visiting, this is a great feeling waiting to see Mum and John.  It's been almost a year since I last saw Mum and two since I last saw John.  My head is just full of everything I want to say to them but by the end of the visit I will have forgotten most of it!  I walk into the visiting area and before I reach them I can see that Mum and John both have big grins on their faces - I can't tell you what this sight means to me.  It's not like having family who live on the other side of the world who you see once every two years, you can phone them and speak to them any time you want.  It's a relief to see that they are looking so well, Mum looks more like my Nan every time I see her but I suppose that she is a Nan herself now - if that makes sense.  We talk about home, I am pleased to hear that my nephew and niece can now recognise me on photographs and call me Uncle Scott.  This first visit went by so fast.  They had bought me cheese and cakes from England, what a feast!  Even after this first visit and knowing that I am going to be seeing them for two weeks I already know that when they go home it's going to hurt like hell.

Tuesday 19th February

I was late for the visit but that's another story.  Everyone was happy and Mum has been speaking to Uria on the phone.  We have had a good talk and we are all going along the same road when it comes to my application for a Royal Pardon.

Wednesday 20th February

Again a good visit.  Mum will be meeting people who have been writing and visiting me when she goes to Pattaya at the weekend.  It's her and John's first visit to Pattaya and I'd love to see their faces when they arrive.  I'm made up that they are going to be meeting Rowland who has been a rock to me over the years.  Uria will be joining them on Saturday and I will see all three of them on Tuesday.  I can't wait to see them all together.

Thursday 21st February

Holiday for Mum and John after visiting me today, they are going for a few days in Pattaya.  I wish I could be with them.  I have been busy and have written a lot of letters.

Friday 22nd February

I have been reading the letters which were sent out with Mum and John and have been made up by them.  Chris you are a star.  Today I saw a great thing, one of the lads I have spoken about before, but have referred to as a fellow Brit in need of support, was in the parcel room at the same time as me.  With him being in a different building I don't get to see him that often.  He was collecting a parcel which Mum had sent in for him purchased with the proceeds of the flag/banner sales.  His face was a picture when he saw that it contained tins of corned beef, Spam, writing things, cigarettes etc.  It was also nice to be able to have a quick chat with him, he said that I was to use his name and was to tell you that Jonathon said a big Thank You.  This small parcel will make a big difference to his life, thank you all who have bought flags/banners.

Saturday 23rd February

Saturday - football!  Mum's stocked me up with cigarettes.  I'm going for Arsenal to beat Brum.  Apart from that it has been a moping about sort of day waiting for Tuesday when I see Mum, John and Uria.  Uria will be meeting up with them today.  Only a few more days.  Arsenal could make them easier or harder!

Sunday 24th February

I am still trying to get my head around Arsenal!  For most of the day I am sat in my chair in the yard thinking of all of the things I want to be sure I say on Tuesday.  I wonder how Mum, John and Uria are getting on and what they are up to.  It's Chelsea v Spurs today ..... I'm sure that Chelsea will get me my cigarettes back!

Monday 25th February

As long as I live I will never bet on Chelsea again!  I'd lost the cigarettes at ninety minutes when it was one all and in the end I was glad that Spurs had beaten them.  Thank You Spurs, and Shane ..... never talk to me again about Chelsea, you're getting to be like Ty with his Norwich!

Tuesday 26th February

My name is called for visiting and I'm like a greyhound out of the trap.  All three are there and have had a good few days in Pattaya.  They met up with Rowland who also took them out for the day (Big Thank You Rowland).  Uria has a big smile on her face and is enjoying her time with Mum and John.  They tell me about Pattaya but to Mum it was like going to Skegness!!  I'm starting to worry about how she spent her teenage years!  It's good to see them all.  Today I received the big brown envelope which is sent by my family each week containing e-mails, messages and letters from you all.  This has become one of the highlights of my week.  It will give me plenty to read tonight so with some luck I should sleep well.

Wednesday 27th February

Mum, John and Uria returned to see me today and we had another good visit.  I've got a few more days with them visiting but it's starting to hurt already.  My Step Dad John sometimes works at night and when he did Mum and I would make a pot of tea and just sit and talk for hours ..... it's the simple things like this that I miss.  But for a few more days I have it back.

Thursday 28th February

I had asked Mum, John and Uria if they would visit me in the afternoon today because I craved a burger, if they come in the morning it is too early for them to get one.  We ended up with about twenty minutes for visiting.  I am gutted and am kicking myself.  Just because I wanted a burger.  We didn't really get a chance to talk about anything.  Tomorrow is their last day.  As I walk back to my building I'm trying to keep myself together, as I have said before there is no privacy here, if there had of been I would have sat and cried ..... all just for a burger.  Tonight I am sat up late - fan watching again!  How to say goodbye without us all getting upset, I know that Mum will have her cry as soon as she is out of the gate but she will have John and Uria with her.  I will not only have to keep it all together in the visiting hall but for the rest of the day as well.  Since Steve Willcox returned to the UK I have been on my own as far as true friends are concerned.  There are people around me all of the time but some of them I wouldn't even tell them that the sky was blue ..... sad but 100% true.  Lets see what happens.

Friday 29th February

The big day, the one I never wanted to come but it's here all too soon.   I'm as upbeat as I can be and I can see that Mum is as well ..... we are both on the same wavelength for each other.  Last year on our last day we had a Contact Visit so we could hug and kiss our goodbyes, but the rules all changed six weeks ago!  A Contact Visit is not now possible.  So we have the two meter wide gap, two sets of bars, a sheet of toughed glass and a phone each instead.  Uria is already wiping away the tears, she knows how much this is hurting us all.  All too quickly the bell goes and that's it,  Mum and I both look at each other and say goodbye, she quickly passes the phone to John who is hurting as much as she is, a quick goodbye and he passes it to Uria.  I know that neither Mum or John want the phone back.  I look at Mum and she is playing with the food which she has bought for me, we all know that there's no more to say, but I ask Uria to pass the phone to Mum for one last time.  I tell her that I love her, for her to be strong as I will be home one day and that it doesn't matter how many years they keep me here my love for her will not change and I won't let this place beat me.  We take one last look.  I tell her again that I love her and as I walk away give her a wave.  As soon as I hit the fresh air I stand for a minute to pull it all back in and before walking to the food hatch to wait for what Mum has bought me to be checked and passed through.  For me until now there are no tears but I know that on the other side of the wall there will be many.  I have to live with this for years, putting my Mum through all of this.  It's a sh*t feeling which gets harder not easier.  The pain I see in Mum's eyes is something else.  If you loose someone you are able, in time, to put the dead to rest and start to move on with your life but for Mum and me this is never ending and will not end until I am released.  It is not only my Mum who is affected but John, Lee, Clare, Lloyd, Dad and the rest of my close family.  I'm now starting on my fourth year in prison and I still can't give you a year when I will be home.  I was given a thirty year sentence, I have now served three years and received a three and a half year reduction in the Amnesty given by the King on his birthday in December.  So all I can say for sure is that I have another twenty-three and a half years left - that is the only thing I am 100% sure of.  All that my Mum asks of me is that I don't get bitter and angry, one day she wants her Scott back ..... smiling and joking about.  And that's what she'll get.  Not just for her but my nephew and niece as well.  Those who visit wonder how I can remain so happy and positive ..... now you know.  This isn't a joke though, I've seen how this place has turned people.  They will never stop talking about this place and how our Government has turned us over.  Nobody turned me over ..... only myself.  Yes I would like help from the Government to rectify how unfair the prisoner transfer treaty is between the England and Thailand, especially compared to what other European countries have in place with Thailand - what happened to us all being one big happy family?  As I have said I will accept whatever happens with the only bitterness inside me being for myself and what I have done to my family, especially my Mum.  At the moment I am fine but I'll wait and see what I feel like in two days time.

Scott

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